The Enigma of Domestic Violence/Abusive Relationships

Domestic violence/ abusive relationships is no longer news to many. It is a problem that is faced by both men and women in every part of the world. One may wonder, why despite all the awareness on domestic violence, many men and women still find themselves addicted to abusive partners.

Are you reading this and thinking “That can never happen to me” I’ll tell you that domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of size or gender. The problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. But no one should live in fear of the person they love.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser is most times an insecure person (whether financial insecurity, or social insecurity).  An abuser would use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his/her subjection. The abuser most times would threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you. 

Most victims of domestic violence, especially women, often deny the fact of its existence; they pretend to be happy as a cover up for their partners’ actions. A lady friend of mine, whose boyfriend was hitting her, once told me she deserved it because she was a very rude person. You may think she is crazy, but this is what her abusive boyfriend has been poisoning her with. An abusive man would make you feel afraid of him, he would make you avoid certain topics out of fear of angering him, he will make you feel that you can’t do anything right for him, he will make you feel that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated, and would even make you feel that you are the psycho one. He would make you feel emotionally numb or helpless.

Let me give quick scenarios:

1.       An abusers generosity is most times a calculated act. Does your partner buy you expensive gifts and then later on uses it as a reason to call you ungrateful when you act contrary to his approval and an excuse to physically abuse you? It is time to wake up and run away, if you are not yet married, if you are married, open up to someone, don’t die in silence.

2.       How about for those single ladies who have fixed a date for marriage and have their clocks ticking? You finally find a man, but “Mr. Tracker” is calling you every second of the day, trying to find out who you are with, where you are going?, what you are doing? My dear Sister, tell that man to trust you or take a walk. Mr. Tracker does not love you, he wants to control your movement, I mean even God gave us freewill! Shine your eyes.

3.       Has your partner gradually eliminated your friends list, and now that you have no more friends, he has started eliminating your family list. Do not be deceived to thinking this is love, he is only trying to make you feel alone in the world so he can have full control over you, without your friends and family being around you and asking you too many questions.

4.       Then there is Mr. Guilty. Is your partner using blackmail to earn your loyalty? Maybe you have been portraying to your friends and family that you are “virgin Mary” and Mr. Guilty keeps blackmailing you that he would tell everyone what a whore you are. My sister, the criticism and side talk from outsiders is much better than you staying with Mr. Guilty. Pack your bags and leave!!!

5.       Mr. Belittling- Does your partner humiliate or yell at you? Criticize you and put you down? Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? Blame you for their own abusive behavior? See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person? If you are not married to him/her yet, it is time to say goodbye.

There is absolutely no excuse for anyone to remain with a partner that’s abusive, whether psychological or physical. An abusive man or woman would most often say they are not abusive because they don’t even realize that they are the problem. In our African society, some of our traditions are contributory factors. Men see women as properties to be acquired; some feel they are to dominate the woman. If this is a man’s view before you get married to him, then I would say be cautious, because there is a foundational error, which is beyond you showing him affection, or cooking his favorite soup. He will eat the soup, lick his lips and give you a slap thereafter for adding too much salt!

Some victims of domestic abuse may have also been abused as children. Maybe you had an old soldier as a Father who treated his entire family like there were his subjects. Why not deliver yourself from the cycle of abuse, why voluntarily be in a relationship with another old soldier! Could it be the sins of the Fathers visiting the third and fourth generation? The same goes for abusers; some abusers grew up in an abusive environment, and carry it with them to adulthood. I must say at this point, and I’m speaking to those women who believe they can change a man, if the man is abusing you before you marry him, he will continue to do so in the marriage, unless there is a divine intervention.  

Another thing I’ve noticed is that most victims of domestic abuse are as insecure as their abuser. For the female victim, maybe you feel like he is your last chance at love, or he helped you out when you were in a financial mess, or you’ve told him your darkest secrets. I believe someone who loves you should help you overcome your insecurities and not use them as a weapon against you.

I would conclude this article by warning again that an abusers’ act is not out of love. The fact that he acts excessively jealous and possessive, or threatens to commit suicide if you leave him, does not mean he acts out of love. These are just psychological and emotional games to keep you under his control. He knows that the longer you remain in that relationship, the more helpless he’ll make you feel, until you feel like your world cannot exist without him. WAKE UP!!!