Uju...a product of bad parenting

Forty five years have gone by and I’m still waking up alone. Most of my friends are happily married with children, while I’m stuck with two children, both products of a failed marriage. I had been married briefly to Gozie but we separated after he discovered I had an affair with his Father. I never really loved Gozie anyway, our marriage had been arranged by our parents, particularly my Father who was trying to score political points with Gozie’s Father, the then Governor of Anambra State.

 I look in the mirror each day and wonder where my youthfulness went. Back in my undergraduate days, everyone knew me as Uju, the girl who won most beautiful four years consecutively. From the moment I stepped into the University of Abuja no other beauty could be compared to mine. All the males on campus, including my lecturers, wanted a piece of me, and they got it. I was drunk with the praises I received from men that I soon became the most beautiful campus slut. I also had many girlfriends, all succumbing to me because my Father was a Senator, and they were in search for rich male companions. That was how I got introduced to “aristo”, not because I needed the money these men gave me, but because I wanted to live up to the expectations of my so called girlfriends.

My first target was Uncle Arinze. He was my father’s best friend, and co-legislator in the Senate. I had caught him winking at me a few times when he visited. One day he came home to visit, but my parents were not home, I was home with my siblings. Uncle Arinze chose to wait for my parents as my Father had desperately pleaded with him to wait. My Father embarrassed me sometimes with the way he glorified Uncle Arinze, and other dignitaries who visited. Most of these men spoke rudely to him, and treated him like dirt. When they left, my Father would sigh and say “when I become Governor, I will have my revenge”. My Father was so desperate to become the Governor of Anambra state; I have never seen a man that desperate. Now back to Uncle Arinze. I led Uncle Arinze into my Fathers special parlor where he received only people he considered important. He received others, including all of our relatives, in another parlor. I would usually have left Uncle Arinze alone in the sitting room, but that day I sat on the couch opposite him. I was wearing a low neckline t-shirt, which revealed my cleavage, and I caught Uncle Arinze staring at them several times.

“Are you through with your university?” Uncle Arinze asked in his strong Igbo accent”.

“Not yet, I’ve only just begun my second year”

“Good Good” he said. “You are a big woman now, very ripe” he said, his eyes fixed on my cleavage the whole time. “What is your GSM number?” he asked.

I walked over to meet him to enter my number into his mobile phone. My girlfriends had told me about Uncle Arinze, and the number of girls in Abuja  that had shared a bed with him, so I was not surprised when he boldly placed his hands on my left breast.

“Uncle Arinze!” I said

“Don’t shout you are a big girl, I know you are not innocent” he said

“But Uncle you are my Father’s friend”

“It does not matter, I will not tell him”

“Uncle I can’t”

“What do you want, tell me, anything and I will give it to you?”

That was the magic question I was hoping he would ask so I could have him wrapped around my fingers.

            I met Uncle Arinze at a hotel later that day. That was the beginning of my carnal escapades with my Father’s so called friends. My girlfriends were so proud of me. Some were envious that I could have any man I wanted. My reputation soon preceded me and I had many dignitaries seeking for me. After I got married to Gozie, I still did not stop. I found myself not being satisfied with the attention from one man, I wanted to be the adoration of many men. This was how I got into bed with Gozie’s Father. Gozie’s Father was a man of disrepute just like my Father and all his other friends who were worshipped by many and so were oblivious of their foolishness. They lived on the praises of their subordinates, and could buy friends with money and power.

            After Gozie left me, I still continued with my escapades. He never told my parents why he left, neither did I. His Father gladly convinced my parents that Gozie always had issues and would come around. I knew he only did that to save his image. It has been ten years since Gozie left, He got re-married five years after he left me and although I thought I didn’t love him, I was devastated.

              My Father though currently in his late seventies still aspires to become the Governor of Anambra State. It disgusts me to see him now worship men young enough to be his sons in an attempt to score political points. My mother on the hand is still a weak, money hungry woman spurring my Father in his pursuit to destruction. Looking at my daughters, a nine and an eight year old, I hope I can be a better example to them, but then as a single mother, it all seems impossible to achieve.

            

Infidelity- The tale of a pampered wife

Larry and I have been married for twenty-two years. He was the best thing that had happened to me. I was twenty five when I got married to Larry, while he was thirty. We both hailed from wealthy homes. I remember our wedding ceremony; it was the talk of the town, and a benchmark for our friends who subsequently got married. Larry and I have always had everything we wanted, our marriage has been blessed with four children, three boys and our youngest, my little princess Jessica. I love my husband, or so I thought until I met Victor three years ago. Victor is ten years younger than I am. I met him three years ago during our family trip to The Hague. We were originally destined for Seychelles; however Larry had been scheduled to attend series of business meetings in The Hague, so as a supportive family we changed our holiday destination. This was the only way I could be with my husband, and my children could be with their Father. Ever since Larry started working at the United Nations, we saw less of him. Larry was missing for most of Jessica’s early years that at some point, she thought the chauffeur was her father.

            I had just returned to the Hotel with Jessica when I decided to go have a drink at the hotel bar. We had been touring the city, while the boys, John, Justin and Jonathan, who were 18, 17, and 14 years old respectively, had stayed back in the hotel. Larry was attending to work as usual.

“Jess go and be with your brothers in the suite, I’ll join you all later on” I said.

“Can we order room service” she asked

“Yes love, order anything you want”

“Can we swim in the pool too?”

“Hmmm yes, but only if your brothers want to”

Jessica was twelve years old at the time. She ran off excitedly. I sometimes felt sorry for her, her brothers enjoyed bullying her, which was why she was always more than happy to hang around me.

“Lovely wristwatch you’ve got there” I heard someone say from behind me. I turned around to confirm that the comment was directed at me.

“Lovely watch you’ve got there” the speaker repeated, this time pointing at my wristwatch.

“Thank you” I said

“I’m Victor, are you lodging here?”

“Yes I am” I did something strange at this point. I was wearing a pair of shorts which had pockets behind. I found myself sliding my wedding ring into my pockets. I had never had to hide my wedding ring, but seeing Victor made my heart palpitate. The last time I felt that way, was when I met Larry.

“Are you here with company?” he asked

“No” I stuttered.

“Then I guess you can join me for a drink or two” he said

“Sure, I was just heading to the bar”

 Victor and I had a lovely conversation that afternoon. It had been a while I had a calm conversation; I was either shouting at my children, or angry with my husband for running off to work, but with Victor I laughed. He had a good sense of humour and he made me feel attractive.

            We spent three weeks in The Hague, and I met Victor on the second day. I found myself making excuses to leave my children in the hotel suite, and I was more than happy when Larry regrettably informed us that he would be spending most of the days in Berlin. That way I could spend the day with Victor. I had created reasons for not feeling guilty about my relationship with Victor, after all we were just friends, he listened to me, we shared jokes, and that was it. There was no physical intimacy between us. There was absolutely no reason to feel guilty, no reason until one late afternoon when I went to meet Victor in his hotel room. Now I knew I should not have gone there that evening, but Larry was still away, and the children were getting on my last nerves with their usual nitpicking. Spending time with Victor was just what I needed. This was three years ago, so I had been married to Victor for nineteen years, so for the first time in nineteen years, I cheated on my husband. I felt so guilty that I began to cry.

“What’s wrong, did I hurt you” Victor asked. He looked so worried that I was forced to tell him the truth about my marital status.

“I’m not only married, but I’ve got four kids” I said, my head buried in the pillow

Victor laughed.

“What’s funny?’ I asked, looking puzzled.

“I know” he said

I looked at him, completely stupefied.

“I spotted you and your daughter earlier, she’s your daughter right?” he said.

At this point I felt embarrassed. I got out of the bed and started to put my clothes back on.

“Irene” he said, placing his hands on my waist. I shook him off. “You don’t need to feel guilty, I’m also married”. I looked at him, still shocked but felt less guilty.

“This stops right now” I said pointing at him and then at myself.

“Irene, I know that’s not what you want, you feel guilty which is alright, but don’t deny yourself from happiness”.

I walked over to the door, I knew I should have gone ahead and left the room, but Victor was right. I had been unhappy for so long and the few days I had spent with him were delightful, moreover, I had already slept with him, and he made me feel more of a woman than Larry ever did. I shut the door and walked over to Victor.

            Larry never suspected me while at the hotel; of course he was always tired when he returned from Berlin. We would order room service, and he would sleep off before the food was delivered. We checked out of the hotel before Victor did. I had met him at the lobby with Larry and the kids and he walked up to say hi to me. I thought he was crazy for doing that, but Larry did not suspect anything.

            A year passed and I did not speak with Victor. He lived in London with his family while I lived in Chicago. We did not contact each other until when Larry was posted permanently to The Hague. With London less than an hour away by air, I contacted Victor. Victor came to see me the following weekend to rekindle our romance. Thereafter, he came every weekend, except weekends when Larry was in town. One time when Larry was away for three months, I went seeking for Victor’s love. The Children were away in school; John and Justin were freshmen at the University of Pennsylvania, while Jonathan and Jessica were at a boarding school in France. I had told Larry I was going for a fashion course in London. Larry who knew how much I wanted to attend fashion school, was more than happy to rent me an apartment in London for the three months duration, as I had told him the course was going to last that long.

            Victor and I still spend weekends to date. I’ve met his wife, and he has also met my husband, however both our spouses believe we are distant cousins, and suspect nothing since we are both married. Larry is still as busy as ever, and the children are becoming more independent by the day. Victor is suggesting that we both get divorced so we can get married and stop feeling guilty about our relationship. I however cannot leave Larry, we have come a long way, and he has never hurt me but rather has turned me into the pampered woman I am today.

Infidelity – From Nightmare to Norm

Infidelity (or cheating) has been defined as a breach of the expectation of sexual exclusivity. Infidelity may involve physical or emotional intimacy with another, other than one’s spouse. In the past, infidelity was mainly attributed to the male sex, but nowadays, it seems women are becoming guiltier of the act. Infidelity has plagued marriages so much that people have accepted it as inevitable.

Is infidelity truly an inevitable act? Or are men and women like dogs who act impulsively rather than exercise self-control. Jude 1:18 states “how they told you that there would be mockers in the last days who would walk according to their own ungodly lusts”.  Galatians 5: 22-23 states  “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law”.

I have heard many reasons why men/women cheat on their spouses. Some say they feel neglected, others low self-esteem, some went seeking for excitement as their spouses no longer excited them, some claim they fell out love, while others have married their careers and have no time for their partner. Maybe these excuses are valid, but Matthew 6:21 states “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”. Many adulterers have a reason for their actions, and the other person is usually always the problem. However, in the world today people no longer need a reason to be unfaithful to their spouse. A married man once approached me and when I mentioned the fact he was married, he said that did not matter. Single men/women shamelessly maintain relationships with married  women/men and society has come to accept it as a norm. In some cases, the other spouse is aware and accepts it as his/her fate.

The world has made infidelity look normal, you watch a movie where an adulterous relationship is made to look romantic, before long you find yourself saying, “awww how cute” or you suggest that she/he should divorce their spouse. No matter what excuse you have for committing adultery, the Bible clearly has a message for adulterers.

Hebrews 13:4 states “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge”.

Ephesians 5:5 states “For this you know, that no fornicator, unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God”.

Galatians 5: 19-21 states “Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God”.

Galatians 6: 7-8 states “Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap. For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life”.

Rather than make excuses for lack of self-control, pray for God’s assistance that He may restore and flourish your marriage. Divorce is certainly not an option as Mark 10: 11-12 states   “So He said to them, whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery”.

Take one more look at the picture above; are you a dog or a child of God?

2 Corinthians 13: 5 advises “Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you are disqualified”.

The New Era of Parenting

Parenting is defined as “the rearing of children”. It has also been defined as the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. I love this definition because it connotes that parenting continues for a lifetime, contrary to the new era where at age eighteen, parents withdraw their parental guidance.

Parenting has immensely evolved over the years. Once upon a time children went to bed at 7:00pm, nowadays, I see children at the cinemas at 10:00pm. Trivial point you may say, but this change in values goes deeper. Take the American society for example, where it is a norm for children to insult their parents. I remember standing at a bus station in London, and a young boy, about fourteen years old, said “get out of the way bitch”. An elderly lady standing beside me was utterly disgusted. I really could not blame the young boy, as I could only imagine him insulting his parents. If a child dishonours his parents, then I can expect him to dishonour me, or any other stranger. Charity they say begins at home. Children’s birthday parties have also evolved, children no longer have dancing competitions, treasure hunts, or spelling bees. Now we have parents organising spa parties for five year olds.

Proverbs 22:6 says “Train up a child in the way he should go, And when he is old he will not depart from it”. As a parent, what seeds are you planting in the hearts of your children? Are you in the bid to have your children label you as “cool”, or “modernised” raising children of Baal. A new trend I see, particularly with new generation mothers, is mothers using their children as a tool to compete with other mothers. Consequently, children are having access to devices at an early age. I see five year olds with iPhones, iPods, iPads, etc. You may be asking yourself, “what’s wrong with that”, but tell me how you can prevent that child from visiting pornographic sites, engage in idle talk, etc. You may also say “but the child would visit pornographic sites whether or not I buy him/her an iPhone”. Then I would say you shoot yourself in the head right now, because you may die someday so why wait. Do I hear you say something?

What are you teaching your children? Does your child know the Ten Commandments; have you taught them to pray, do you tell them about Jesus? Or are they spending more time watching Barney, Dora the explorer, listening to Justin Beiber on their expensive iPods? God expects parents to raise their children to serve Him. Parents will answer to God for every child He entrusts to their care. One reason God blessed Abraham was because God knew he would raise Godly children. That requires commanding children to do right, and not just making suggestions and allowing children to choose what they think is best. In Genesis 18:19 God said “For I have known him, in order that he may command his children and his household after him, that they keep the way of the Lord, to do righteousness and justice, that the Lord may bring to Abraham what He has spoken to him”. Are you commanding your children, or are they being the Parents and commanding you?

If children do not obey, they must be corrected. It is part of the training process so they will learn to do right. The Bible teaches that this should be done by using a rod of correction. It is your responsibility as a Parent to discover what rod of correction works for your child. Proverbs 23: 13-14 states “Do not withhold correction from a child, for if you beat him with a rod, he will not die; you shall beat him with a rod, and deliver his soul from hell”. This should however not be an excuse to physically abuse your child; spanking children should not be to punish them for their wrong, but to help correct them. Remember Ephesians 6:4 which states “And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord”. The rod of correction correctly and prayerfully used by a loving parent will produce emotionally healthy and happy children.

No matter how worthless you feel as a parent, you are your child’s first role model, and therefore you should live an exemplary life because children are natural imitators. Deuteronomy 6: 5-7 states:  "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your might. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart; you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up”.

If you do not practise what you preach to your children, they would see you as a hypocrite. As a mother are you obeying Colossians 3:18 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord”, or are your children seeing you dominating and dishonouring your husband. As a father are you obeying Colossians 3:19 “Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them”. You must put God's Word first and walk in love toward your children to succeed as a parent. Give them time and attention. Do things together. Play with them and talk with them. Showing love to them, and teaching them about God are essential. You should not yell at your children or provoke them to wrath. Parent's words are extremely important. Build your children up: encourage them and praise them. Tell them you love them. And may the grace of God be with you, even as you have decided to train up your children in His way. If you have failed in raising your children, cry out to God for forgiveness and help. He will forgive you and help you. As long as your children are still alive, there is hope for God to change them. If you will pray in faith, obey God, and walk in love, God will work in your children's lives and change them.

Kola the manipulator- a story on abusive relationships

It was my first day at the office, and it seemed like everyone had been expecting me, the newest, youngest, and freshest employee at Akoka Engineering Limited. Being a young, intelligent beautiful woman, I had the eyes of all the men at Akoka gazing at my beauty while the receptionist gave me a tour of the office.

“This would be your desk” the receptionist said to me.

“Thank you” I said, in a British accent.

I had just returned to Lagos from London two months earlier after fifteen years. My parents had relocated to London from Lagos when I was six years old; I therefore had few acquaintances in Lagos. The few friends I had, I had met at the National Youth Service orientation camp.

“This is Ibifuro” The receptionist said, introducing me to a man and woman who I was going to be sharing an office with. “She would be serving with us” She continued.

“Another Corper!” The woman said “The company is taking a lot of you people this year, welcome, I’m Uyi” she said.

“Thank you, lovely to meet you” I said. The three of them giggled “Did I miss a joke” I said, looking puzzled.

“I’m Kola, welcome” the man said.

“Lovely to meet you too” I replied slowly hoping to have them giggle a second time.

“I’ll be in the reception, if you have any problems let me know” the receptionist said as she walked out of the office.

“Thank you mam” I said.

Uyi was in her mid-thirties; I was twenty-one at the time so thirty looked like a milestone then. Kola was in his late twenties. He was handsome, and had a good sense of humor; most of all his English was impeccable. There were a few things I thought a man should possess, one of which was being articulate.

In no time, Kola and I became friends. We left for lunch together, spent weekends together, and I even started attending his church. Kola lived with an uncle in Ikeja, while I lived alone in a one bedroom flat in Lekki. Within a short time, I found myself in a relationship with Kola. He gradually moved into my flat, and I was happy to host him. With my family in London, I felt lonely most of the time and having Kola live with me was comforting.

One night while Kola and I were in bed, I received a text message from Dennis. Dennis was an ex-boyfriend of mine. We had been dating before I left London for Lagos, and although he had proposed to marry me, I was not confident I loved him that much.

“What is that” Kola asked upon hearing my phone beep.

“It is a text message” I replied

“At this time of the night? Who is sending you a message at a quarter to midnight?”

“A friend”

“What do you mean a friend, let me read the message” he demanded

“Of course not”

Kola struggled with me before snatching my phone off me. He read the message which read “wish you were here with me, love and miss you. Dennis”. Kola went ballistic after reading the text message, he threw my phone against the wall and hurled insults at me, and then it happened, Kola slapped me thrice.

“How dare you!” I said, after the first slap shaking my fist at him. I retaliated by returning a slap. This made him furious causing him to slap me two more times. I felt my cheeks burn as tears rolled down.

“Get out of my house” I said. Kola stood by the bedroom door, hindering me from leaving the bedroom

“I’m sorry” he said

“Get out” I screamed

“Baby I’m sorry; to God who made me I’ve never hit a woman”. He went down on his knees. I looked into Kola’s eyes as he wept. He looked so helpless, so repentant; he looked like his life depended on me.

“Kola my mother has warned me not to stay with a man that hits me, it is over between us, please leave” I said, pulling my hands away from his.

“Furo I’m sorry, I love you, I’ve built my world around you, what would become of me if you leave me, I’m nothing without you. I work and live for you, for our love” he said. Kola wept profusely. The last time I had seen someone weep the way he did was at a funeral.

“Let this not happen again” I said

“It will never happen, thank you baby, I love you”. He said, standing to his feet. We embraced each other and got back into bed.

Forgiving Kola that night was my biggest mistake, not only did Kola slap me after that, he was using his belt, tree branches, anything he could lay his hands on to flog me. I remember one night when Kola and I were having dinner, a male colleague of ours, Tochukwu, called me on the phone. Kola smashed my phone on the floor and accused me of having an affair with Tochukwu. He asked me to kneel down facing the wall and to lift up my hands. Kola always accused me of having an affair with any man he saw make contact with me; he would buy a new SIM card for me whenever I had any male friend call. Because of how angry Kola became, I detached from all my male friends but that did not make Kola happy. He criticized my cooking, criticized my looks, and criticized anything that related to me. Before long, I realized I no longer had a voice, and that Kola had become my voice.

One day at work, I had taken off my jacket, revealing some bruises on my back which had been caused by Kola. He had used his belt on me the night before because I had been chatting with a friend on Facebook. He told me that Facebook was a medium for women to prostitute and had accused me of being a prostitute for signing on to it.

“What’s that on your back” Uyi asked

“What” I said

“It looks like a door scratch” Kola responded quickly, he gave me a stern as if trying to coerce me to concur with him.

“It must be a scratch” I said

Kola hastily introduced a new topic for discussion to prevent Uyi from asking any more questions.

Six months had passed and I was still with Kola. I had now become his bank. Kola would coerce me into giving him loans. If I refused he would hit me, or would accuse me of not being supportive of his future plans. He had proposed to marry me, and I had even accepted to marry him, yet I had turned down Dennis, a man who treated me like I was an eggshell. All the while I was dating Kola, no one knew his true colours, everyone’s opinion of him was like my opinion of him the first time we met, Kola the handsome, articulate and ambitious man. Each time I tried to leave Kola, he would accuse me of wanting to leave him for another man; Kola never accepted that he was wrong. To Kola I was the one with the problem, I was the reason for his frustrations with life, I was the unfaithful one, I was the ungrateful one, I was everything bad to Kola.

Kola and I were in a relationship for a year, he never changed, and I never married him. One day I was bold enough to speak to a female friend of mine, Natasha, who encouraged me to confide in my mother. I had become ashamed of my circumstance with Kola that I could not speak to anyone about it. As I narrated my experiences with Natasha that day, I felt like I had a burden lifted. 

The Enigma of Domestic Violence/Abusive Relationships

Domestic violence/ abusive relationships is no longer news to many. It is a problem that is faced by both men and women in every part of the world. One may wonder, why despite all the awareness on domestic violence, many men and women still find themselves addicted to abusive partners.

Are you reading this and thinking “That can never happen to me” I’ll tell you that domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of size or gender. The problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. But no one should live in fear of the person they love.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser is most times an insecure person (whether financial insecurity, or social insecurity).  An abuser would use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his/her subjection. The abuser most times would threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you. 

Most victims of domestic violence, especially women, often deny the fact of its existence; they pretend to be happy as a cover up for their partners’ actions. A lady friend of mine, whose boyfriend was hitting her, once told me she deserved it because she was a very rude person. You may think she is crazy, but this is what her abusive boyfriend has been poisoning her with. An abusive man would make you feel afraid of him, he would make you avoid certain topics out of fear of angering him, he will make you feel that you can’t do anything right for him, he will make you feel that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated, and would even make you feel that you are the psycho one. He would make you feel emotionally numb or helpless.

Let me give quick scenarios:

1.       An abusers generosity is most times a calculated act. Does your partner buy you expensive gifts and then later on uses it as a reason to call you ungrateful when you act contrary to his approval and an excuse to physically abuse you? It is time to wake up and run away, if you are not yet married, if you are married, open up to someone, don’t die in silence.

2.       How about for those single ladies who have fixed a date for marriage and have their clocks ticking? You finally find a man, but “Mr. Tracker” is calling you every second of the day, trying to find out who you are with, where you are going?, what you are doing? My dear Sister, tell that man to trust you or take a walk. Mr. Tracker does not love you, he wants to control your movement, I mean even God gave us freewill! Shine your eyes.

3.       Has your partner gradually eliminated your friends list, and now that you have no more friends, he has started eliminating your family list. Do not be deceived to thinking this is love, he is only trying to make you feel alone in the world so he can have full control over you, without your friends and family being around you and asking you too many questions.

4.       Then there is Mr. Guilty. Is your partner using blackmail to earn your loyalty? Maybe you have been portraying to your friends and family that you are “virgin Mary” and Mr. Guilty keeps blackmailing you that he would tell everyone what a whore you are. My sister, the criticism and side talk from outsiders is much better than you staying with Mr. Guilty. Pack your bags and leave!!!

5.       Mr. Belittling- Does your partner humiliate or yell at you? Criticize you and put you down? Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see? Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments? Blame you for their own abusive behavior? See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person? If you are not married to him/her yet, it is time to say goodbye.

There is absolutely no excuse for anyone to remain with a partner that’s abusive, whether psychological or physical. An abusive man or woman would most often say they are not abusive because they don’t even realize that they are the problem. In our African society, some of our traditions are contributory factors. Men see women as properties to be acquired; some feel they are to dominate the woman. If this is a man’s view before you get married to him, then I would say be cautious, because there is a foundational error, which is beyond you showing him affection, or cooking his favorite soup. He will eat the soup, lick his lips and give you a slap thereafter for adding too much salt!

Some victims of domestic abuse may have also been abused as children. Maybe you had an old soldier as a Father who treated his entire family like there were his subjects. Why not deliver yourself from the cycle of abuse, why voluntarily be in a relationship with another old soldier! Could it be the sins of the Fathers visiting the third and fourth generation? The same goes for abusers; some abusers grew up in an abusive environment, and carry it with them to adulthood. I must say at this point, and I’m speaking to those women who believe they can change a man, if the man is abusing you before you marry him, he will continue to do so in the marriage, unless there is a divine intervention.  

Another thing I’ve noticed is that most victims of domestic abuse are as insecure as their abuser. For the female victim, maybe you feel like he is your last chance at love, or he helped you out when you were in a financial mess, or you’ve told him your darkest secrets. I believe someone who loves you should help you overcome your insecurities and not use them as a weapon against you.

I would conclude this article by warning again that an abusers’ act is not out of love. The fact that he acts excessively jealous and possessive, or threatens to commit suicide if you leave him, does not mean he acts out of love. These are just psychological and emotional games to keep you under his control. He knows that the longer you remain in that relationship, the more helpless he’ll make you feel, until you feel like your world cannot exist without him. WAKE UP!!!